What the Hell?

What is wrong with me? I am a mess. One minute, I am thinking, "when is he going to go away for awhile?" and then, when he may be leaving but it is all up in the air, I am thinking, "I don't want him to go..."

This is ridiculous. I feel like I want him to tell me in advance he is planning a time frame for leaving, but he never tells me until a few days before. And then he always says it is a few days when it ends up being two weeks at a time or longer.

I mean, what the hell? I knew he had been around way too long. He hasn't left since July. And the only reason is because I imported his other significant other for a visit at the beginning of September. But what would I expect? He has no friends here. He hasn't expressed an interest in being friends with my friends. I dunno.

Of course, he needs to get out. I mean, I am great and all but I am just one person and I'm sure he needs outside input the way I do. I mean I don't even want to think how my life would be without my friends. I mean what would daily life be like with the Wall around? Yikes!

No one would laugh at my stupidity in that friendly "its OK if you're stupid... we all are in our own way" way.

He needs to go. I need him to go.

I guess it is just that we have such separate lives. Our friends are different. Our lives don't intersect anywhere except where we are.

Maybe that's normal. I don't know what normal is. I was in a relationship for over 20 years. I couldn't get that guy to participate in my life either, really. But to his credit, he didn't want to participate in his own much so, how can I hold that against him?

I'm a fucked up mess. Or maybe this is just me trying to figure out how to be a whole person and not be jealous of whatever comes up in his life. What's the point? If anything else in his life takes him away from me, either temporarily or permanently, that is in my best interest because I don't want someone around me who needs or wants to be elsewhere, ya know?

That would be too frickin' pathetic and I'm pathetic enough.

As a defense mechanism, I don't tell him when I've planned something til the last minute, either. How passive-aggressive is that? Or is it? Maybe it just shows him it doesnt' feel so good? I dunno if he even notices. Besides, I usually don't go anywhere when he's here because I'm such a case.

What does it all mean?

Basically that I've probably learned little... and that this probably is never going to work. Why do I make this more important than anything else in my life?

Because that has been my MO for the past 20 plus years. Back to the putting other people in the center of my circle... which probably is found somewhere under the definition for Martyr and I'm really not wanting to have any part of THAT!

I need to breathe and let go.
Maybe I just need to get laid.

That is entirely possible and also unlikely. That makes the leaving part hard, too. September hasn't really been all that much fun...

But life is like that sometimes. And so it goes...

So Nice I wanted to Post it Twice