What the Hell?

What is wrong with me? I am a mess. One minute, I am thinking, "when is he going to go away for awhile?" and then, when he may be leaving but it is all up in the air, I am thinking, "I don't want him to go..."

This is ridiculous. I feel like I want him to tell me in advance he is planning a time frame for leaving, but he never tells me until a few days before. And then he always says it is a few days when it ends up being two weeks at a time or longer.

I mean, what the hell? I knew he had been around way too long. He hasn't left since July. And the only reason is because I imported his other significant other for a visit at the beginning of September. But what would I expect? He has no friends here. He hasn't expressed an interest in being friends with my friends. I dunno.

Of course, he needs to get out. I mean, I am great and all but I am just one person and I'm sure he needs outside input the way I do. I mean I don't even want to think how my life would be without my friends. I mean what would daily life be like with the Wall around? Yikes!

No one would laugh at my stupidity in that friendly "its OK if you're stupid... we all are in our own way" way.

He needs to go. I need him to go.

I guess it is just that we have such separate lives. Our friends are different. Our lives don't intersect anywhere except where we are.

Maybe that's normal. I don't know what normal is. I was in a relationship for over 20 years. I couldn't get that guy to participate in my life either, really. But to his credit, he didn't want to participate in his own much so, how can I hold that against him?

I'm a fucked up mess. Or maybe this is just me trying to figure out how to be a whole person and not be jealous of whatever comes up in his life. What's the point? If anything else in his life takes him away from me, either temporarily or permanently, that is in my best interest because I don't want someone around me who needs or wants to be elsewhere, ya know?

That would be too frickin' pathetic and I'm pathetic enough.

As a defense mechanism, I don't tell him when I've planned something til the last minute, either. How passive-aggressive is that? Or is it? Maybe it just shows him it doesnt' feel so good? I dunno if he even notices. Besides, I usually don't go anywhere when he's here because I'm such a case.

What does it all mean?

Basically that I've probably learned little... and that this probably is never going to work. Why do I make this more important than anything else in my life?

Because that has been my MO for the past 20 plus years. Back to the putting other people in the center of my circle... which probably is found somewhere under the definition for Martyr and I'm really not wanting to have any part of THAT!

I need to breathe and let go.
Maybe I just need to get laid.

That is entirely possible and also unlikely. That makes the leaving part hard, too. September hasn't really been all that much fun...

But life is like that sometimes. And so it goes...

So Nice I wanted to Post it Twice

graphjam.com

Hallelujah

lately, moreso than ever in my life, I find myself embracing things that cause me pain or worry. i feel so completely detached and bored with everything, that "fixing" something seems good, even when it's bad. this goes in almost every case, of course there are some things that i'd rather be without regardless, but all the stupid minutiae that pops up...it's good. i feel like a fox news reporter, waiting for the next catastrophe. Only in my personal life.

Ouch!

It's that old familiar feeling. Do you know it?

Your chest is getting tighter and your throat feels like it is closing up. You start breathing faster without even noticing and your hands tingle and start to sweat. You might even start to get sick to your stomach.

Yeah.... that's it. High anxiety... your old friend. Back and ready to do business.

It's all over me. I feel like I am about to die, like something bad is about to happen, like someone is about to hurt me and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

It's not a good feeling. "It's bad, bad, very bad," to quote a friend.

In this case, I've done it to myself.

I've only had.... let's see now... a year to produce some paperwork for my lawyer. That should've been done about 9 months ago.

Yet my state of anxiety and upset over not knowing what I'm doing and the emotional trauma of it all and what has happened in my life as a result of my own initiation of a new path in my life has immobilized me. I did some work on it last August. I worked on it again in May.

But not since.

Now I'm in trouble. Why did I do this to myself? I just need to sit down and do it. Even if it is hard, it must be done.

There's just no nice way to say, "Yes. We do have to get divorced. Yes. I do miss you but we have to get divorced because I have moved on. Yes. I realize that you realize that you made mistakes. Yes. I realize that I made mistakes. Yes. I think I'm smarter now and I believe that you believe that you're smarter now. But no... we aren't getting back together."

I always want a happy ending. But I'm part of two other people's stories. And what's the real happy ending for me?

I thought I knew the answer to that question more than once in my life, yet here I am asking the question again.

And then there's the anxiety. The sense of panic.

Sigh. I need to get out of the muck I've created and move on where ever that moving takes me. I am not sure it is going to take me to a happy place.

"All I wanna do is have some fun before I die." Sheryl Crow

Yeah. Righ back atcha, Sistah.

Megan Cosby

I don't remember where Portia and I saw her. Or perhaps Portia didn't, although I remember talk of the technique. Notwithstanding, I stumbled across her work recently on the interweb and love it all over again. See my favourite for yourself here.  

In other news, I've been hammering pellets into wood for what seems like an eternity, building something that belongs in a funeral home. And it lives in my living room. I really should leave this sort of thing to the professionals. 

Missing a Tater Tot

It is one of those days I miss my tater tot. I hear now that I am to blame for some heinous wrong done to my offspring. That, somehow, in trying to be the parent I should be, in trying to do what I thought was the right thing, I got it all wrong.

So wrong.

How do I pay for this transgression? By being held at arm's length and not being given the priviledge of the one thing I always wanted- just to know who he is. Not to tell him what to be, or act disappointed if he chose to be a This over a That, or for him to agree with all I believe... just to get the opportunity to know who he really is.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe this is what really is.

Just emptiness and space and a great quantity of silence.

I miss the pillow fights and tickle time and quiet time. I miss playing tag and going to school plays and playdays and watching him run and smile and laugh.

I miss how he was a self-chosen vegetarian until he was 7.

I miss how he liked tiny red grapes.

I miss how we got frozen yogurt after vaccinations and it seemed to make getting the shot a little less horrible for us both.

I miss seeing a new playground and just stopping spontaneously to try it out.

I miss Toys R Us.

I miss soccer and roller hockey and basketball and t-ball games.

I miss his snaggle-toothed smile.

I miss Halloween and making costumes by hand.

I miss video games and knowing he preferred mustard over ketchup.

The list goes on and on...

I miss a Tater Tot.
My Tater Tot.
I'd like to have that with a side of hugs one day. And a big helping of, "I forgive you."

But it appears that will have to wait.